Broken Home, Fatherless, and Hope: Wife’s Interpersonal Communication in the Face of Fear of Divorce

Author: Nadya Souisa – Graduate Student of Communication Science UI

SALEMBA, April 2025

Women who are deprived of their father’s role in their childhood have an impact on how they view men. This statement is commonly found in the news, scientific articles, social media posts, or daily conversations. Clinical psychologist Vera Itabiliana Hadiwidjojo, in an interview with Media Indonesia, stated that the presence of a father figure in a child’s life can affect the way of thinking and behavior in dealing with various things when he grows up, including in marriage relationships (Purnama, 2024). Fatherlessness is not only caused by the death of the father, but also divorce or financial problems, so that the father does not take a big role in parenting.

The fatherless phenomenon results in women’s fear of marriage, especially divorce, which they try to prevent from happening to their children (Diana and Putri, 2023). However, based on data from the Central Statistics Agency (BPS), the number of divorced household cases in Indonesia in 2023 decreased to 463,654 cases from the previous year. This fact raises the question of whether the level of fear of divorce among fatherless women has decreased? How do they deal with this fear when they are in a marriage relationship?

Ghosts of the past, fear of divorce

Four women who experienced fatherlessness from a broken home background told the author that they had a fear of divorce. A reflection of the family’s past that they did not want to repeat.

“There is definitely concern about divorce and fear that it will happen again. But we both strengthen each other. Like we believe, if for example we intend marriage for worship, God willing, there will always be a solution to every problem. And divorce is not the best solution, that’s what we hold until now,” said informant DNA (35 years old).

Instead of being free from the past, the fear of divorce becomes a ghost in a household. Either a fear that has been rooted in the family before, or even growing when already in marriage with the twists and turns of the problems faced. A study by Lichter et al. (2003) states that the decision to divorce emphasizes economic dependence on women, especially women who have weaker economic conditions. This shows that divorce can have an economic impact on women. The findings of Lichter et al. (2003) also opens the way of thinking for other women that divorce is a normal occurrence today, so that indirectly the level of fear of divorce is minimized by itself. However, is this fear reduced because of normalization actions on the part of women just to maintain economic conditions?

Interpersonal communication strategies for the process of receiving and conveying issues

Fatherless conditions in a person will affect how he interacts with his environment (Jilani et al., 2022). Not only limited to interaction, there is also an influence on a person’s ability to form a healthy relationship (Li et al., 2003). The author of an article in Magdalene and Founder of Cadar Garis Lucu, Ainun Jamilah, feels in line with this that the effects of fatherlessness have an impact on a person’s emotional and academic development, often feeling difficulty concentrating and the most severe condition is loss of self-confidence and acute depression (Jamilah, 2023).

Let’s put it in the context of marriage, will this effect continue to be perpetuated in building a healthy marriage relationship? Based on the results of research interviews with four married millennial generation women, they answered that openness is the initial effort in creating a happy marriage relationship. It begins with a process of self-reflection, then begins to recognize what self-issues are and forms a motivation not to want to relive bad experiences in the future. In the book Interpersonal Communication by DeVito (2019), it is explained that interpersonal communication is communication to get to know ourselves and others, so that we can know who and how others can know opinions about ourselves. DeVito also added that openness is one of the fundamental aspects of interpersonal communication.

In this context, openness stands to foster mutual trust and provide understanding, as well as a means of ensuring that communicators feel heard, validated, and supported (Netto et al., 2021). Departing from this openness is what brings these four women to have strategies in communicating with their spouses, including face-to-face communication, paying attention to the husband’s condition, giving in in the sense of putting aside the wife’s ego, solving their own problems without their husbands, and expressing apologies first. Through this strategy, it illustrates that fatherless millennial women prioritize stability and harmony in relationships with their husbands, while not ruling out the possibility that these strategies are carried out according to the context of time and type of problem. This agrees with DeVito’s (2019) second fundamental aspect, namely empathy, greater empathic involvement supports hope for a wife’s future outlook in her marriage.

Husband’s Involvement Considered Crucial

The author quotes one of the informant’s answers as saying, “He (husband) is always willing to listen to what I have to say on any issue…,” the DNA said about her husband. The right response will make a person and their interlocutor feel comfortable in building open and honest communication, and this will also lead to a desire to continue to grow together (Solomon, 2021). Another dimension of successful interpersonal communication for wives with fatherless backgrounds is how the husband responds to the problems faced. The pattern that emerged from the husband was silence, listening to the wife, and breaking the atmosphere with an action. This is a form of strategy in overcoming problems that are present in the household. In contrast to wives who seem more emotional, husbands tend to choose to be silent. A silent response is not always a bad thing, as it can help to avoid greater conflict, reduce tension, and provide time for reflection (Bao, 2022). The actions of conflict resolution do not stop there. Another husband’s approach is to hug, a nonverbal communication to break the ice that balances emotions between husband and wife (Tomprou et al., 2023). Rather than blaming each other, role-taking between husbands and wives can help reduce conflict and create a harmonious family, with the hope that the wife’s divorce fears can be reduced.

Fear as protection or resistance

Arriving at the decision to marry does not mean that fatherless women are free from the shadows of their previous family past. The fear of divorce is the main factor for them to carry out self-defense in the form of affirmation. This means that fatherless women have the ability to manage their behavior and cognition in order to survive in the expected conditions. Self-affirmation by Steele (1988) in the scope of psychology means that individuals will see themselves as good, competent, and moral, and if their self-integrity is threatened, they will naturally respond with appropriate actions to restore their feelings of self-worth (Lehmiller et al., 2010). Self-integrity in this context is having a stance on the absence of divorce in their marriage, although there is still a fear of divorce, they will be able to tolerate the threat of their fear in various ways. One way is to give in to the husband. The unique finding of one informant is the willingness to be polygamized by her husband rather than going through a divorce process. Again, with the aim of not perpetuating divorce. This is in contrast to another woman’s answer, which is to accept divorce when it is at the point of not finding compatibility in the household. These responses were boldly made by the wives because of the deepening of spiritual knowledge that brought them through the fear of divorce. Ultimately, the fear of divorce experienced by wives is a reflection of the past that influenced their married life.